Once upon a time, in the little town in Texas where I got sober, I walked up to one of the sober ladies that I really respected and asked about what I had been hearing in the meetings.

I said, "Cindy, I'm hearing folks in the meeting say that we're supposed to stay out of relationships for the first year."

She said, "That's right - you are hearing that."

And I said "But I can't find that in the Big Book or the Twelve and Twelve".

She said, "That's right - it's not in there."

So I said, "So, what do I DO?"

She said, "Well, first off, when somebody tells you that, don't ask them what they think; ask them what they did." Oh, cool. Okay, I could do that.

Then she said something that I've never forgotten - "It's 'work the Steps, or die'. That other stuff doesn't mean anything, really. If you get into a relationship, and you work the Steps, then you'll stay sober. If you don't get into a relationship, but you don't work the Steps, then you'll get drunk. It's 'work the Steps, or die'".

I think that this was about the first time that I realized that there was a difference - a real difference - between the folks at the meeting house. Up until this time, the world was composed of three groups - all of those Earth People out there, the sober drunks at the meeting house, and me. And I was trying to become one of the sober drunks, by doing what they did.

But once I really started "doing what they did", I found out that they didn't all do the same thing; moreover, that there were two distinct groups of sober folks: one group, who sort of tried this and tried that and didn't really have a concrete, established program of action, and the other group, who couldn't open their mouths without mentioning the Big Book and the Steps.

And I sorta decided that I wanted to be part of that latter group - one of the ones who actually had a set of principles to follow, regardless of what the circumstances were, and regardless of what I might think about it.

So, the next time that somebody said something about "not getting into a relationship for the first year", I just flat out asked them "well, okay - what did YOU do?"

What I found out was that, with one exception, every sone of them either got into relationships in their first year - or that they had actually come into the program married.

The one exception had been sober for three years, and was still managing to avoid relationships - and I decided that I didn't want what he had, and I was willing to go to any lengths to avoid it : )

Then, of course, I kept studying the Big Book, and I found out some interesting stuff about all of this sexual relationship advice that was going around the rooms: not only were there no instructions in the Big Book about "staying out of relationships for the first year" - the Big Book explicitly said that we are not to give each other such advice.

Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. ...One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct...

"We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them...

"...we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice."  -- (boldface added by me)

The way I read this passage, the Big Book says that we're supposed to ask God to shape our ideal, AND we're supposed to ask Him about each specific situation. And we're not supposed to give each other advice that is "hysterical" - the two examples given being the group that says "have all the sex you can" and the other group being the ones who say "don't have any at all".

And I've been at entire meetings where the subject was "relationships" and heard folks quote the Big Book as saying that "...we're supposed to stay out of relationships for the first year".

It's more folklore - it's something that we heard from somebody that we respected, and so we incorporated it into our lives (although, actually, it doesn't sound like very many of us ever actually DO this particular one, but at least we get to feel guilty about it, and advise others to do so :) And, since most of us have some vague idea that the AA program is in the Big Book, we figure that - since this is one more thing that "everybody knows" that we're supposed to do, we figure it must be in there, somewhere.

Once again, I think that we're missing the point. The point is that we've been given the instructions - CLEAR CUT DIRECTIONS, as it says - but we keep forgetting where they are.

"If you want to keep something secret from an alcoholic, just put it in the Big Book" - anonymous

So, after my conversation with Cindy, I went right ahead and tried to follow the directions that were written down - the directions that weren't subject to anybody's bad memory or re-interpretation, the directions that were provided for me, in hardback copy, for the price of a mixed drink.

And guess what? I got into relationships in my first year.

Not only that - I got married at ten months.

We got divorced 364 days later (a good thing, too, or I'd have had to buy a card and gift).

If that sounds like a bad thing - nope, not at all. Some heartache, on both of our parts, but not a bad thing.

See, I was working the Steps. And I was learning about me, and about how I am in relationships, and about my attitudes regarding sex and romantic love. And I was getting free of stuff that had been hanging around in the back of my brain for way too long.

The end result of that work, and that short marriage (and the brief chaos that ensued) was that I met Ethel, and we married - and last year we celebrated twenty years of marriage. And I still can't get used to the idea that we're together; twenty years later, when she walks across a room, I have to watch her.

I asked God to mold my ideals - and He did so. But first He did so by counter-example, saying "Okay - see this? That ain't it...see this?...that ain't it..." - and then, when the work was done, He presented me with the relationship that has lasted; the love of my life.

Cindy had pointed that out to me, years before - we don't learn and grow by sitting in meetings and hiding from life. We have to go out there and get in the middle of things, and live with the consequences, and stay sober by working these Steps, and we'll see our lives change.

If I'd been sitting in the meeting house, keeping away from any possible contact with girls - HOW WOULD I HAVE DONE THE WORK?   

I can't learn how to be in relationships by staying out of them - I live, and work the Steps, and I learn what works and I unlearn what didn't work, and I am changed. -- IN OTHER WORDS, just like the book says, I "...treat sex like any other problem".