Continuing our discussion of AA Folklore (well, actually, since I haven't seen any comments, I reckon it's just MY discussion. But you folks feel free to jump in at any time :) I present one of my favorites: The Resentment Prayer.

It's the notion that we're supposed to get rid of resentments by praying for the person at whom we are resentful.

Now, let's be completely honest (the Big Book thinks that that's a good idea :) - this idea is, actually, expressed in SOME Big Books¹. That is, it's brought up in one of the stories - I believe that it's "Freedom from Bondage" - and the entry looks like this:


Just like a lot of AA folklore, this sounds wonderful. It even makes a sort of sense, and fits in with my understanding of some of the spiritual laws that I think that I have come to learn about.

But it ain't AA.

Again - it seems to me that the whole premise of the text of the Big Book (rather than the personal stories) is that they are telling us exactly/precisely what to do, giving us clear cut directions - in other words, a FORMULA. A COOKBOOK approach to sobriety. A way to mass produce the miracle, to create the spiritual awakening. They say that if we're desperate enough, we'll be glad to follow their path. As it says in Chapter Two,


Not "how little do I have to do?" or "what things might I try, if I feel like it?" or even "Gee, can I come up with my own stuff?" but "What do I have to do?" (italics mine).

The Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous contains several pages of information regarding resentments - what they are, the inherent dangers, and explicit instructions in how to deal with them. And none of those instructions say a darn thing about "praying for the person for two weeks".

But you have to admit - it's a darn seductive alternative :)

I mean, which would you prefer -

EITHER:

• List the person, the incident, what I find threatening and scary about the situation
• Follow that list with a discussion of my part in the situation - my wrongs, my mistakes, where I was at fault, completely setting aside any part that they might have played.
• Admit all of my faults and wrongs and mistakes to another, and to God, and to myself.
• Ask God to remove this from me.
• Make amends to the person that I was resentful at, never discussing their behavior - only talking about my own mistakes.

OR:

• Pray for them for two weeks.

Ya gotta admit, that second option sounds really attractive :)

STRAWMAN: Having said that "..the Big Book doesn't tell us to pray for people at whom we have a resentment", folks have responded to me that the prayer on Page 67 of the Big is, indeed, just that - a prayer for those against whom we are resentful. And I used to think so - although I thought of that prayer as being part of the process, not a substitute for it.

But then I went back and looked at that prayer, and I realized that it never asks God to do ANYTHING for that other person - instead, the prayer is quite specific in asking that I be changed - that I be saved from my anger, and I am asking for a way in which I can be helpful to that person.

And then I went back and looked at it yet again, and realized that - as far as I can tell from the wording - this prayer isn't part of the Fourth Step process at all. Instead, this is a prayer that I'm supposed to use when I detect behavior in somebody else that is offensive - it's what I'm supposed to do to prevent myself from ever getting the resentments in the first place.

The book doesn't say "When we are resentful at a person..." but "When a person offended..." and suggests some ways to think about the situation in order to avoid getting resentful.

At least, that's the way that I'm reading it today. That may change tomorrow - obviously, as the last few paragraphs show, it's changed before :)


¹..in other words, the personal story containing this prayer is in two editions of the Big Book - the third and fourth. I don't know if it's in the first or second, and I'm not even going to bother looking it up : )